Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
