I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
