Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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