from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
