So drunk, too bad you don't want this
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
