Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
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I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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