i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
