I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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