No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
last night I used snow as a chaser
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