Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
