I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
