Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
