I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
