I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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