Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
