I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.