if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Randomize
