Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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