tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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