There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
