She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
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If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
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i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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