I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
