My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
