i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
