you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Green mimosas i think yes
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
