He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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