All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
