So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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