I haven't been this sober since birth.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
