HIV tests are more positive than that guy
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
