So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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