please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
