I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
