Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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