if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
