apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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