Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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