so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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