so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
