we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
