I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
