is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
this hospital has no fireball
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
