turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
