I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
