i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
