my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
