i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
