And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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