The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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