No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
home. puking in laundry basket.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Randomize
