Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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