I wish my penis had an off switch
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
