So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
