I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
