Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
