Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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